Grumpy Gills

so today i am a little grumpy gills i think that it is because i am tired. I really need a vacation that i can just get away and maybe just lay on the beach somewhere with a pina colada and a good book. I reallly wish that there was a happy pill that i could take that would make everything seem like roses. My little puppy is doing so well he is a terror but i love him anyways. I like to watch him sleep and just be around him he is always so happy and it seems like nothing bothers him. There was a time in my life when i was proposed to, because someone wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, unfortunately he passed away and now i wonder if someone else will ever feel the same about me that they will want to spend the rest of their life with me. do we have soul mates and if we do, do we only have one??? i went to the gym 2 days in a row this week, Good Job Nic... anyways i was feeling a lot bummed today and just thought that i would vent a little bit, i need to pick myself up by the boot straps and get with the program people keep telling me that i have so much going for me but i dont feel that way, i do all the things that i should be doing but i feel like i am just going through the motions, i feel like i am just lost again, that feeling i had when i first got sick, do i cry do i get mad at other people and make them feel bad so that i can feel better, what do i do??? it doesnt make it better to hear about other peoples bad days cause today, there is nothing that seems any worse than the way i feel.

Another Reading

So I have been really busy lately so i have a good excuse for not blogging lately. i had to work 46 hours last week and didnt have anytime for the gym, that is my excuse for that but i went today and had a great workout. i feel really good today and am so glad that i let myself talk myself into going if that makes sense....i went to sierra vista on friday night and that was so much fun. Saturday i just hung around the house and went to dinner with a friend. i have been doing pretty well lately and am so glad that, while i think that life sucks it turns out that God knows what hes doing after all, so i guess i have to thank God for "Unanswered Prayers" I know that everything in my life is in Gods hands but being patient is not one of my better qualities...something that i pray constantly for. I am planning a BBQ for the end of March and i love to host and plan parties so i will keep you updated on how that goes. Nothing to exciting, i may be going on a road trip with some friends soon which will be fun, i do need a vacation. but other than that....

The Day After...

So today I think that i am dealing with the ramifications from not dealing with yesterday. I am just a little upset today and still not sure why. has your mind ever replayed something over and over again like its on never ending repeat of the end of "The Notebook" when they die in the end. and its so sad and you just dont want to see it anymore but you cant shut it off. thats how my mind has been today. i keep replaying scences from the past that i just cant stop and i really want to but dont know how. How do you run away from the never ending dvd player???? I know my anlogies suck but thats why they are mine and not yours i guess. so you like the pics of my baby, he looks all cute and sweet until he is not cute and sweet anymore. ok so some food for thought....Is it fair for me to be selfish since i dont have any kids beside my dog, when it comes to doing things that i want? i'm not looking to rob a bank just go shoe shopping is that selfish of me. Is it ok to do things that i want to do even though nobody else wants too or not do things that other people want to. what if i dont want to "take one for the team" for selfish reasons can i do that and still be a good person??? good people arent selfish though???

Rambles....

So its Valentines Day and guess what I did really good!!! I wasnt as sad as i thought i would be and guess what else, I even got "supresents" how cool is that??? I know, right? I have been pretty down this week, ok so I'm lying this whole month, but I have made a conscience decision to make it through the fire without even smelling like I walked through it!!! If you need explanation I will gladly explain to you what i mean. I really want to be a better person and a happier person. I love my job, i have friends that love,care and support me, I have a purpose(i'm still not sure what that is yet) I am fearfully and wonderfullly made, what more could i ask for? I still dont know. have you ever just felt like something is still missing and you can't pin-point what it is? well thats kinda how i feel. I know that i can just vent, but i dont even have anything that is bothering me that i want the world to know about. is that wierd?? who knows. something kinda funny, when i see people i know from the nursery outside of the nursery they still call me Ms. Nicole, lol thats just funny to me.... just a side note. so anyhow, another thought that i have been sitting on lately, have you ever thought about giving. i am a giver, i love to give gifts but i give gives not because i want to make someone else happy, well a little bit, but i give gifts because it makes me feel good. i never expect to get anything back but the instant gratification that i get when the other person is happy that they got something so can we ever really give unselfishly?? just some food for thought.

Of no other fault than my own

Ok so its saturday morning and I'm still a little bummed from last night, which would be friday night duh!! Go ahead and ask me what i did last night go ahead cause what i will tell you is that i the 23 year old newly single girl spent last night on the couch dressed with absoluteley no where to go, well let me re-phrase that i had no one to go out with. I feel like such a loser. I really truley have like nobody that can hang out with me cause all of my friends are dating,married,or have kids so where are all the single people that want to hang out cause i have yet to find some. i thought that being single is suppose to be the best time in my life, i can come and go as i please with nobody to answer to, spend my money on whatever i want*(wisely of course) and just have fun with my friends.....well come on where are the friends??? look i like to think of myself as a take one for the teamer and to be honest it has got me no where. so this morning i got up still mad to find that i cleaned the kitchen, living room, bathroom and my room all before 11 ok so i can be productive when i want to be but who wouldnt when they went to be before the 10:00 news came on, i'm such a loser that the dog didnt even want to sleep with me last night yes heart breaking i know. i have realized that this is my fault, i pushed all my friends away when i was with my last boyfriend that i have nobody now that i can go out with. i know thats my fault but when you think that you are going to spend forever with someone you tend to think of nothing else so where do i start to pick up the pieces??? i am trying very hard to stay positive if you caouldnt tell from this blog but i think that the "brand new nic" went into hiding again,. she has fallen off the wagon and can someone help her back on her path??? i still have errands to run but its only 12:30 so maybe i can.....i can....awe who am i kidding i'm gonna get all of my errands and housework done and be in bed before 9:00 again tonight with good reason of cousre i have to work tomorrow.

Random Thoughts

ok so today was not the best of days since...well since i got a "lil happier" and i have lots of thoughts today so yes there will be puncuation errors and lots of randomness. somedays i feel like a dog chasing his tail, some times he catches it and then he realizes its not what he wanted but now its always there behind him no matter how hard he tries to get away from it and the cycle continues he chases it, it not what he wants but its still there. i feel like that today. yesterday i felt like "she" has everything that i have to live without. i really would like to move out and i really would like to not be single anymore, sushi sounds good. a vacation to disneyland would always be welcome. do you believe that a person can have more than one soul mate, i love my dog so much that i want to eat him sometimes. the "hot" dr works tomorrow. kids maybe in the far future, i should take a shower, why do guys do the things that they do, i guess that since i am very to the point i expect everyone else to be that way but what i want to know, yes i know that i was going to try and take everything at face value, but let me vent after all this is blogging, but i want to know why he did what he did(all the "hes" in my current life) and then use excuses after what is that all about, i have a very good reason for everything that i have done and if i dont have a good reason you better believe that i will make one up very fast. its amazing the impact one person can have on another. Mandi you have become more of an inspiration to me the more we meet and i get to know you, i admire your love for the lord, your desire to learn more, and the time you take to show me the right path that i should be on, you know that i am trying to find it. (i should be having quiet time). do you ever REALLY get over a person?? i know this is long but like i said i really need to vent. what are the chances that of all the places to eat that he had to be at famous daves tonight, probably cause its called......
do you think that he knows that sometimes he is the reason for my tears does he ever think of me...maybe i should just stop and go finish my study that way well i can not be sad anymore today tomorrow is friday and FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY IS MY FAVORITE DAY!!! Danielle maybe we could go out tomorrow???

My Purpose??

Ok so I have been working on my bible studies and i have been pondering on what Gods purpose for my life is. I once thought that working in the nursery was his plan for me and I guess in a way, it is because for some reason i just cant leave there. I love My kids(notice the "MY") and i wouldnt want anyone else working with them and teaching them the word of God, but lately it has become just a job, not something that i feel is Gods purpose for my life. So me waiting to find out what God wants me to do is not the happiest place i want to be since i am not the most patient person, but it is Gods will that I be where he wants me to be and that is where I should want to be. So please pray for me that I find where it is that God wants me to be.....

SuperBowl Half-Time Show

So wasn't Prince...The artist formally known as Prince...well who knows but wasn't he awesome.... I thought so too. This weekend was very challenging for me. I hate to let the days go by and not get anything done but I want to enjoy having the days off, does anyone else feel this way?? Back to work and another week ahead. When is the next holiday?

The first time...

Ok so this is the first time that I have been on the computer except to check my e-mail, in I don't even know how long. Its kinda refreshing and for those close to me, they know that I truely am trying to become a new Nicole. So lets see how long this blogging will last. I was absolutely bored out of my mind today. I cleaned and went to Sweet Tomato (my favoritest). They are Weight Watchers friendly and yeah i didn't go to my meeting today cause i know that i gained this week.