OK I KNOW.....

I will add a new blog and more pics this week i promise....

Home.....

Ok so when someone says "Home" what do you think of? maybe the place where you live now, the house that you grew up in, or the town. At this point in my life when someone says "home" i think of a time in my life when i was most happy, when i was most comfortable with myself and the life that i was living. Now do i only wish that i could go back to that place for even one day. just a little insight to my life right now and the deep thoughts that run in and out of my head every day that i dont tell anyone now you know. I have decided that i am going to go on a vacation in april of next year. not just any vacation but a real vacation that i have starting saving and planning for now, well actually yesterday. I want to go to San Francisco. I want to go alone, check me out wanting to do something alone. i want to go and do what i want to do see what i want to see buy what i want to buy eat what i want to eat all the things that you can do when you are alone and you dont have to consider anybody else. this has been a vacation that i want to go on. i wouldnt mind the company but i want this for me. life it seems has not been in my favor lately and things just arent going the way that i had wanted for myself when i was at this stage in my life, but i hold on strong and wait very unpatiently for the blessings that the lord will bestow in my life when hes good and ready, although he knows that i am ready, but the choice is not mine and i will continue to trust and and wait to see what the next chapter holds....

Grumpy Gills

so today i am a little grumpy gills i think that it is because i am tired. I really need a vacation that i can just get away and maybe just lay on the beach somewhere with a pina colada and a good book. I reallly wish that there was a happy pill that i could take that would make everything seem like roses. My little puppy is doing so well he is a terror but i love him anyways. I like to watch him sleep and just be around him he is always so happy and it seems like nothing bothers him. There was a time in my life when i was proposed to, because someone wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, unfortunately he passed away and now i wonder if someone else will ever feel the same about me that they will want to spend the rest of their life with me. do we have soul mates and if we do, do we only have one??? i went to the gym 2 days in a row this week, Good Job Nic... anyways i was feeling a lot bummed today and just thought that i would vent a little bit, i need to pick myself up by the boot straps and get with the program people keep telling me that i have so much going for me but i dont feel that way, i do all the things that i should be doing but i feel like i am just going through the motions, i feel like i am just lost again, that feeling i had when i first got sick, do i cry do i get mad at other people and make them feel bad so that i can feel better, what do i do??? it doesnt make it better to hear about other peoples bad days cause today, there is nothing that seems any worse than the way i feel.

Another Reading

So I have been really busy lately so i have a good excuse for not blogging lately. i had to work 46 hours last week and didnt have anytime for the gym, that is my excuse for that but i went today and had a great workout. i feel really good today and am so glad that i let myself talk myself into going if that makes sense....i went to sierra vista on friday night and that was so much fun. Saturday i just hung around the house and went to dinner with a friend. i have been doing pretty well lately and am so glad that, while i think that life sucks it turns out that God knows what hes doing after all, so i guess i have to thank God for "Unanswered Prayers" I know that everything in my life is in Gods hands but being patient is not one of my better qualities...something that i pray constantly for. I am planning a BBQ for the end of March and i love to host and plan parties so i will keep you updated on how that goes. Nothing to exciting, i may be going on a road trip with some friends soon which will be fun, i do need a vacation. but other than that....

The Day After...

So today I think that i am dealing with the ramifications from not dealing with yesterday. I am just a little upset today and still not sure why. has your mind ever replayed something over and over again like its on never ending repeat of the end of "The Notebook" when they die in the end. and its so sad and you just dont want to see it anymore but you cant shut it off. thats how my mind has been today. i keep replaying scences from the past that i just cant stop and i really want to but dont know how. How do you run away from the never ending dvd player???? I know my anlogies suck but thats why they are mine and not yours i guess. so you like the pics of my baby, he looks all cute and sweet until he is not cute and sweet anymore. ok so some food for thought....Is it fair for me to be selfish since i dont have any kids beside my dog, when it comes to doing things that i want? i'm not looking to rob a bank just go shoe shopping is that selfish of me. Is it ok to do things that i want to do even though nobody else wants too or not do things that other people want to. what if i dont want to "take one for the team" for selfish reasons can i do that and still be a good person??? good people arent selfish though???